


behind blue eyes

by starman_deaky



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Character Death, Comfort, Flashbacks, Fluff, Hurt, Insanity, Kissing, M/M, Minor John Deacon/Freddie Mercury, Self-Harm, Suicide, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-01-05 01:25:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 15,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18355754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starman_deaky/pseuds/starman_deaky
Summary: no one knowsno one caresthe day has dawnedand i am gone





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> dudes this is dark and im sorry but i was listening to behind blue eyes and thought suicide fic time the summary is just stuff i guess

_no one knows what it's like_

_to the bad man_

_to be the sad man_

_behind blue eyes_

Once again, they had rejected his song. It was like a sin for him to write songs. He looked up in the mirror at his red and puffy blue-grey eyes. He cried again, leaving the fan on to cover his muffled cries. 

_no one knows what it's like_

_to be hated_

_to be faded_

_to telling only lies_

Brian had yelled at him again. He didn't know what he had done wrong this time. probably blinked. "Hey, Freddie. Freddie? Freddie!" He called. No reply. Only an icy glare. "John, are you okay?" Came Roger's soothing voice. He was the only will John had to live. The only kind soul. He would thank him before it was too late. "Yeah, mate, I'm fine." The words,  _i'm fine_  were 100% lies. He started to cut himself again. Cry every night. It was almost a routine.

_but my dreams_

_they aren't as empty_

_as my conscious seems to be_

Every night John dreamed of the years when they had accepted his songs, talked, laughed and hung out with him. Those were considered nightmares to John. when the time came, which would be soon, they would find someone new. No biggie. But when he was awake he didn't think. Well, he did, but he didn't pay attention anymore. When Brian was yelling at him, or when Freddie was going on about how much his songs sucked. He only listened to Roger. Because Roger was the only one who seemed to care.  He smiled to himself because there was one person who cared about him.

_i have hours, only lonely_

_my love is vengeance_

_that's never free_

He was by himself a lot. Even at the studio he would plug some headphones into his amp and play to himself in the corner. When they got home he went to his room and wrote or drew. Or cried and cut himself some more. he wanted to swear and cuss at Brian and Freddie, tell them to go fuck themselves. He didn't eat, which Roger and Freddie noticed. "John, we have some cheese, I can make cheese on toast for you?" Roger asked him. He shook his head weakly and said ' no thanks ' with a small smile. Most times he excused himself before dinner was even ready. He didn't drink water or alcohol. He didn't want to do anything except die. He could at least be free then, maybe.

_when my fist clenches, crack it open_

_  
before i use it and lose my cool_

_  
when i smile, tell me some bad news_

_  
before i laugh and act like a fool_

John was now losing control. He couldn't control what he said or did. He asked what time and day and year it was constantly. He was probably going insane from malnutrition. Freddie had said something snarky about him to his face and that had crossed the line. He spewed out horrible things about Freddie and had slapped him so hard it left four finger marks. He turned around grabbed a coat and left out the front door. He smiled to himself knowing that Freddie was upset because John had said something mean to him. He walked to a park and sat down on a bench. He laughed to himself as he replayed Freddie's reaction to what he said to him.

_no one knows what it's like_

_to be the bad man_

_to be the sad man_

_behind blue eyes_

John walked up to the roof of his building. He sat down and wrote letters in his notebook. He walked over to the railing and pushed himself onto it. He had gone insane. He laughed to himself when he made Freddie cry. He kept cutting himself and sometimes didn't even cover them up. His drawings became darker, and most things in his room were broken. Multiple blood stains were on the sheets and carpets. He weighed 90 pounds and was so dehydrated that his lips weren't pink. He threw up, not because he forced himself, but because he was underweight, was clinically insane, depressed, malnutrition, dehydrated, and his eyes had gone grey. He laughed to himself as he wrote in the notebook, writing how he was so insane and sick that he had to do this. He put the book and pen down and laughed louder. He stood up on the railing and took a deep breath. He waved and barked out, "The day is here!" He took one step and found himself plummeting 400 feet downwards. 

He heard screams as he laughed his whole way down.

The notebook was pushed over as well by the wind.

_no one knows what it's like_

_to be the sad man_

_to be the mad man_

_behind blues eyes._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they do know  
> they do care  
> the day had ended  
> and he is gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe......*dissapears*

 Roger was confused at first. There was a large crowd by the flat they all shared. He pushed past only to see something most terrifying. It was John. His precious deaky. Dead. His face was twisted in madness. His mouth was plastered with a smile and his eyes were grey and filled with no emotion. He dropped to knees and cried. Sob after sob came and he whispered to himself,  _no no no._  He opened his eyes to see Brian and Freddie walking out the front of the building. Freddie screamed and dropped to his knees, for Brian looked like he wanted to kill himself next. Roger saw a little ways away John's notebook. He stood shakily and jogged over to where it was. He picked it up and read the last entry John made. Which was earlier.

_April 6th, 1976_

_I can't control myself anymore. everything hurts. But that's because I can feel the cuts now that I can't block them out. Everything is broken. Nothing works. it was all a lost cause, wasn't it? Maybe I'll find out why Brian and Freddie were such dicks. Hah. It still felt good to slap Freddie. The good thing is that they don't care enough to stop me! I wonder what will happen next. I never meant to do this to Roger, though. I really did like him. He was kind and has been my only friend for a long time. I hope he knows how much he means to me. The pain was too much to bear in the end. I'm surprised that I was able to write this without crying. Probably because now I can't cry anymore. I did cry last night. And when I woke up this morning I felt...whole again. Like I knew that today was time. I knew this day would come long before they started being asshats. The wind feels so nice. My eyes don't look the same anymore, too. They were blue-grey, and now they are grey and lifeless. I look worse now. I'm 5' 11" and I weighed myself again this morning. 90 pounds. In the mirror, my ribs are poking out in a disgusting way, and when I bent over, my spine looked like it was gonna pop out of my back. I threw up, and thank god the toilet was next to me. I touched my ribs and spine, and oh god, I never want to do that again. I put a  large sweater on and some black slacks. Then I went to where I am now. Writing my last entry. I guess this is goodbye. It was a good run. Until Freddie and Brian changed. Be sure to thank them for me, okay? And I'm sorry. I never wanted to do this, but the pain is too much to handle._

Roger closed the book slowly and put his hand up to his mouth. John had lost it. He let out another sob, and tears left his eyes as he walked towards Freddie and Brian. He thrust the book towards them where the string was. He watched their eyes as the read it. "He did this because of you two!" He screamed. "You two disgust me! Why? Why did you fucktards do it!" He screamed again. Freddie looked up at him. "I didn't think he would kill himself, Roger. I-I don't know why I did it. He deserved to slap me, and I deserve to live with myself, knowing that I pushed someone to insanity. I never thought he would kill himself over a few comments." He started to cry again and Roger snapped his head towards Brian. "Got a better excuse?" Brian swallowed."I never thought John would kill himself. I noticed something was off. That something was me and Freddie. I really should have paid more attention. I-I think..." He started. Roger slapped him. "You two disgust me. I'm so done with you both! I even talked to you about it. And what did you do? Nothing, you continued to be dicks to him until he lost it. I hate you both. There is no Queen without John. And there is no Queen without me. I quit. I can buy my own flat and live my life without you two fuckers." Roger said. Brian blinked in surprise and Freddie looked up at him. "Roger...wait. Let's be rational about this. You could have done something. It's your fault too. And you're not quitting." Brian said sternly.

He sniffed. The tears came bawling out and Brain wrapped his arms around him. Roger put his arms around his waist. And cried into his shirt. "I-I'm s-sorry," He whispered to Brian. He only nodded and they stayed like that until the police showed up. Roger sniffed and wiped his eyes. He watched as they picked John's body up and place it on the gurney. HIs leg was displaced, as well as his arm. And his face still held that insane laugh. As if he enjoyed them all suffering as he had. Roger let go of Brian and walked over to the paramedics. He stopped them and grabbed John's hand. 

"Auf wiedersehen, Meine Liebe." He whispered. He placed John's hand at his side and had to turn away. Seeing John dead, insane and underweight is too scary. Too scary to accept that he was gone forever. And ever. And ever.

He let out a sob he had been holding in as they carried his lifeless body away. 

Brian ran up to him, tears going down his face, and put an arm around his shoulder and guided him back to the front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on instagram @_starman_deaky_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he cared  
> he knew  
> the week is over  
> and he is still gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cliff hanger!!!!!!1111!!!!! also i know that john did not write my melancholy blues i just changed a little bit so ti would be more sad

Roger had another nightmare. They had occurred ever since John died. It always sounded weird saying that. The nightmare was John's perspective. Laughing manically while falling 60 feet. Face twisted with insanity. Eyes filled with nothing. Writing notes to others. The dreams were actually getting longer.  Sometimes it would start off with him in the bathroom, writing the letters. It was how he knew John's room was basically a crime scene. He cried mostly. Brian said the first time it was a night terror. 

_He woke up feeling better than he had before. He stretched and yawned._

_He was in the bathroom. His ribs and spine poked out._

_He was laughing._

_He was falling._

_Under the pillow._

_Roger._

His eyes bolted open.  _Under the pillow, Roger._ He sat up and turned so he was facing his pillow. He lifted it up. There was nothing underneath it. He looked under his other pillow. Nothing. He sucked in a breath. He didn't want to go into deaky's room. He wasn't ready. But he forced himself to get up, throw some sweats on and a shirt. He opened his door to see that no one was up except him. Well, outside of their rooms. He could muffle cries from Freddie's room and Brian's soothing words. His eyes were puffy and red, probably from crying while he was sleeping. He stood in front of John's room. He put his hand on his door handle and turned it. The door opened and he expected to see a room that was destroyed. The bloodstains were almost gone, and the bookshelves were filled with books. Notebooks and sketchbooks. He pulled one of each out and went over the songs he had written. He got tears in his eyes and he quickly closed the book. He opened the sketchbook and admired how well of an artist John was. The bed was made and when he removed the covers, the bloodstains had been bleached out. 

He moved to the pillow and lifted it up. There was a notebook laying there. He reached and grabbed it. He flipped it over to see the writing on the cover. It had  _Roger_ written on it in fancy cursive. He opened it to see some pages had lines and some had drawings of him in it. HIs eyes filled with tears and he started crying again. He heard a door open and Freddie and Brian walked in. "Roger, did you clean his room?" Brian asked him. He shook his head and started crying louder. He clutched the book closer to him. "Do you think he did?" Freddie thought out loud. Roger and Brian nodded their heads and he sniffed and calmed down a little. "Did he leave you something, Roger?" Brian put a hand on his shoulder. Roger handed the book over to Brian. Freddie walked over to him and looked at the drawings and words in it.

Freddie looked at him in astonishment. "Were you two together? Or something like that?" Roger just stared him, unable to respond. He pointed over to where John put all his notebooks that had hundreds of song written in them. They all had dates. Some were dated back to 1969. Up until now. His last one was  _My Melancholy Blues._ Freddie started to sing it. Roger got tears in his eyes, because Yes, there were together, and John had sung this to him a while back.

_another party's over_

_and I'm left cold sober_

_baby's left me for somebody new_

_i don't want to talk about it_

_want to forget about it_

_wanna be intoxicated with that special brew_

_so come and get me_

_let me get in that sinking feeling that sets my heart_

_on an all-time low_

Freddie sang this almost as John had to him. He looked at Roger who looked like he was on the brink of crying. "I want to record it. Please, Freddie lets record some of these songs." Roger was about to beg. Freddie walked up to him and hugged him. He motioned to Brian to give them a minute. He nodded and picked up the most recent notebook and left.

"Roger. I'm ready to tell you why John...why he did what he did. I had asked him to dinner a couple of times and we went, but when I asked him if we were dating, John said he was with someone else. I was so mad. And-and look what my frustration cost- his life. Because I wanted him to suffer rejection. And, I won't shut you out or treat you like I did...to John. I have learned my lesson and paid dearly." He blinked back tears. Freddie pulled away from Roger and sat down on John's bed. Roger looked at him. He and Freddie had dated? He frowned back instead of saying anything rude, he hugged Freddie again and sighed against him. Freddie wrapped his arms around Roger and cried into his shoulder. He patted his back and tightened his grasp on him. 

"What the fuck?" They heard Brian yell. "Give me two minutes, ma'am." He burst in with the hone in his hand. "We need to get to the hospital, now."

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he loves him  
> he loves him back  
> he loves him  
> he loves him back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey hey hammer to fallllllllllll

Roger looked at Brian and let go of Freddie. "Wait, what?" Brian put the phone backed to his ear and shushed them. "Yeah he did, or at least I think. I think he had a special blood type. RH-? Something like that, yes. Uh... I didn't know that. He cleaned his room before he... Not really. Can't you just draw the blood? Okay, fine, we'll be there in ten." Brian threw the phone onto John's bed and pulled Roger and Freddie to their feet. "Up you go," Brian chipped. Roger turned to Freddie, whose eyes were red and worn out from crying. Roger patted his back and Freddie just gave him a small nod. "Okay, but please explain the phone call." Roger sighed. Brian nodded and walked out the door. "Someone at the hospital called me. There's something not right...with John. She didn't know how to explain it to me, but she said he doesn't look like..." Brian shook his head. "Look like what, Brian?" Freddie whispered, his voice raw from crying. "Dead. She said he doesn't look like a dead person should look like." He threw his hands up a little and grabbed his car keys. "Let's go, we'll be late." He opened the door and walked out, slamming it shut behind him.

"Hey, Fred, if you don't want to go, that's okay." Roger started. "I'm going, whether I'm crying or not." He stepped into some heeled boots and walked out the front door. Roger sighed and grabbed a coat and some slides. He followed Freddie and turned around to lock the door. He shut the door closed and locked it. Brian honked the horn and yelled at him to hurry up. He turned around back around and raced down the steps. He opened the backseat car door and hopped in. "Let's go, then," Brian mumbled. They got to the hospital in 10 minutes. Brian parked his car far away from the front entrance, which annoyed Freddie and Roger. "Really, Brian? Why did you park so far away? Look, there's a spot right next to the front door!" Freddie complained. He had crossed his arms and made the  _click click_ sound with his boots to show that he didn't care either. Roger heard Brian sigh as he pushed past him. "Hey!" Freddie yelped. Roger shushed him and ushered him to keep moving, so nobody would notice or recognize them.

When they got to the door, there were five people huddled around the front desk who looked like doctors and nurses. "Uh, excuse me?" Brian tapped on one of their shoulders. The woman turned her head and mumbled sorry and moved. The reception desk was clear and Brian leaned onto it. "Who are you checking in, or visiting?" The woman said, looking up at the three of them. "Uh, I'm Brian May, and we're here because we got a call about John Deacon." He explained, sadness flashing in his eyes. Her expression went from bored to surprised. She nodded her head and asked them to follow her.

Roger had kept John's last sketchbook inside his coat. He hugged it closer to him as if John's presence was inside the book, keeping him comfortable. They went down a hall, past rooms, to a lab looking room, that said 'examination room'. She pushed the doors opened and walked around a corner and into a room down the hall. She opened the door and there was a body with a sheet over it. Roger asked her to wait a moment before lifting it up. He breathed to himself and then nodded to her. She lifted it up slowly and the moment his face revealed, he started bawling. Like a little kid when his ice cream fell off the cone. He turned to Brian and hugged him and cried into his shirt, while Brian wrapped his arms around him and leaned down to whisper something in his ear.

Freddie noticed something off with John. Before, his face had been twisted with madness, but now it was peaceful and calm. He also noticed a black vein that went from his shoulder down to his arm. "Dear, what's that?" He tapped her and pointed to his shoulder. She started to unbutton his shirt to show more of the veins, but all Freddie could look at was the cuts. There were so many. He started to count but lost track at 28. There was a burn mark, cuts in order below his heart, and then the rest were scattered. He had to refocus to the woman, who looked like crying because of what she saw. The veins went under his neck, around his collarbone and to his other shoulder, where it stopped and the same point the other veins on his right arm was. Freddie studied them and asked her what she thought it was. 

"Well, Mr. Mercury, we think he made some type of poison to keep himself alive. If you can tell, his veins are moving. In a while, a couple of days or so, he might possibly be alive. We have no clue what the hell is in his body, but whatever it is, it's keeping him alive." She explained. Freddie looked at her with wide eyes. "If this works, what will happen to him then? Will, whatever he's done go away?" He was still gaping at her. How was this possible? John had poisoned himself to keep himself alive? She handed him a  chart with all possible explanations of what could happen when or if he wakes up, what the substance is. Roger had stopped crying but his sniffles could be heard. "Roger, darling, are you paying attention? John could still be alive!" Roger let go of Brian and looked at him. In return, Brian nodded to him. 

 Roger pulled the sketchbook out and flipped past some pictures. He went to one where there was a person, but you could only tell because of the shaded background. There were lines along the arms and upper chest, almost exactly like John. Freddie leaned in and looked surprised. "Mr. Taylor? Can I see the book?" He nodded and handed it to her. She started to flip through the pages and came to a halt. "Well, Mr. Deacon predicted is death. Well, the aftermath anyway. He said the veins would appear greyish 1 day after his death. He was correct, they did show up and were visibly moving. He also predicted that Mr. Taylor would find the book that was left for him 7 days after his death. It has been a week, and- did you find the book?" She looked up at them and saw the flash of sadness in Roger's eyes. "Yes, he did." Brian murmured. "Okay, there is obviously more to this than to this that beats the eye. We'll call you if anything else changes.

Brian exhaled and nodded. They all shook hands and proceeded to leave. At the front door, Roger realized he left the book there. "I-uh left the book, let me go grab it." He turned and ran/jog to the examination room. It was placed on the counter across from John, and Roger stood there for a moment, looking at his love. He moved from behind the counter and stood next to John. "I wish you would have told me what was wrong. You know I could have helped. But you're gone, and there's nothing I can do about. I love you so much, John." A tear went down his cheek, and he bent over to place a kiss on John's cheek. He kissed him and studied him for a moment longer. His arms twitched and you could see his eyes moving from underneath his eyelid. He smiled, because maybe if John didn't "come back to life" he knew now that Roger loved him. And he knew that John loved him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, this kinda took a quick turn, but John will not be back into the story for a while. the next chapter or two will be flashbacks to John/Roger and then John/Freddie so yeah and sorry it took me a little longer to post this chapter, but I hope you all enjoy it, and I'll see if I can post again tonight! also a little Freddie pov just because


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey again sorry this came out late but uh i worked on it so don't be surprised if longer chapters come out but they will take two days or so

It had been 3 months since John joined Queen. They were impressive, but still not good enough to be on the radio. Freddie and Brian went out to go book some gigs for them, while John and Roger were at the flat. John quickly found out that Roger had a very high faltesso. John could sing, not as good and Freddie or Brian, and not as high as Roger. Roger's room was on the other side of Johns and the walls were thin. He hit a high note this time and John threw his pen at Rogers wall. He must have heard it because he stopped singing. "Sorry! Keep singing, it's fine!" John called through the wall.

He heard Roger laugh and his door open. A moment later Roger opened his door and walked in. "Sorry, mate. Are you busy? We could go get a drink," Roger said flirtatiously. John blushed and nodded as he closed the book. Roger winked at him and tossed him a sweatshirt. "Let's go then." 

They decided to walk to a local club so they could save gas money. It was a ten-minute walk, and John felt most comfortable with him. Most of the time, when he was near Brian, he would always do his best. It was like he was trying to impress his parents all over again. Being with Freddie made him feel like the singer just wanted him in his bed. He blushed at that thought and when Roger looked at him, he smiled to himself. John was two years younger than Roger, four6 years younger than Brian and five years younger than Freddie. He was 19, still in University and playing in a rock'n'roll band. 

Another thought crossed his mind. What if Roger was trying to get him in his bed? He got even more flustered and Roger commented on him about it. "Don't worry John, I'm not like Freddie. Brian and I both know how he acts around you. I can tell him to wank off for you if wanted me too." He offered. John looked at him and let out a short laugh. He shook his head no and smiled at him. "It's kind of amusing how much he tries, I'll give him credit for that," John laughed. "He did choose our cute bassist, so more props to him." Roger laughed and smiled back at him.

They got to the club a little while after and say at the bar. "I'll have a vodka," John nodded to the bartender. A minute later he was sipping it while Roger wandered off to speak to some girls. John sat and drank his vodka. He thought about leaving, but he would have to find Roger first. He turned around and looked for him. He saw him talking to a group of girls. He stood up and moved his way to him.

"Hey, Roger lets go..." He started. "Nonsense deaky! Have some fun!" Roger said. He was obviously drunk and was going bring one of these girls over. He dreaded it. "I'm going home then, see you later." He turned around and started to walk to the front door when someone grabbed his elbow. It was Roger, who had a grin on his face. "We can go home, lovely..." He laughed and swayed. John walked but was flustered again and had to stop and wait for Roger.

"I'm coming, Johnny. Don’t leave me yet..." Roger trailed off. John walked back to him and grabbed his hand. "I won't. I promise." They walked back to the flat and it was still empty. John sighed and set Roger down in his room. "You need to take a shower; you smell like shit." Roger stood up and wobbly grabbed John. "Not unless you shower with me," He tried to pull him close but John placed his hands on Roger's shoulders. "You're drunk, Roger. And no, I'm not showering with you." John said sternly. Roger was persistent when he was drunk. He remembered that now. Roger leaned in and kissed him. He was shocked, and while Roger’s eyes were closed, John’s were open and staring at him. It was tempting and when he finally gave in to Roger's shenanigans, he kissed him back and closed his eyes. It was soft and Roger pulled him back so he was sitting and John was on his lap. John was surprised that Roger would want him that much. Roger wouldn't remember this though, and only he would. He continued kissing him back and wrapped his arms around his neck while Roger had his hands around his waist. Roger could probably tell that John was disappointed, so he went out of his way to make him feel better.

"So perfect deaky..." Roger praised him as John blushed. His hands made his way to John's ass and he grabbed it. John whined into Roger's mouth and he leaned back slowly so John was on top of him. Roger put his hands under Johns shirt and rubbed his hands down his sides. He shivered at the contact but enjoyed it more. He wasn't going to go any further, don't get him wrong he wanted to, but not when Roger was drunk. Roger flipped him over so he was facing him. "By the way, I'm not drunk. I only wanted you to give in. Turns out it worked too," he said and winked. John frowned at him but still had to give him credit.

"Clever, Roger. But you could have just asked to kiss me." He told him. Roger smiled and leaned down to kiss him again. John met him halfway and wrapped his arms around his neck again. Roger moved his mouth off his lips, to his check and weirdly up his face. John started to laugh because it tickled. "Roger! Haha, stop it, stop it!" He laughed more when Roger kissed his eyelids. "Roger, stop it, haha!" He laughed. Roger chuckled and kissed back down his face to his lips.

John laughed into the kiss while Roger deepened it by shoving his tongue into his mouth. They could have kept going. But they heard the front door opening and John opened his eyes on a flash. He pulled his head back from Roger’s lips and smacked his shoulder to get his attention. "Get off me, you idiot, Brian, and Freddie are home!" He hissed quietly. Roger opened his eyes and rolled off of him. "I wonder if they went out, or Roger stole John from me," Freddie's muffled voice said the through the door. John looked at Roger who rolled his eyes. There was a knock on John's door, but the door didn't open. Then there was a knock at Roger's door and he just fake snored loudly. John snickered when Freddie commented about it, while Roger pretended to be offended.

Then a door closed and another opened and closed. Freddie and Brian must have gone to sleep. John looked at Roger, who had been staring at him. He blushed and Roger grabbed his hand. "John, I do want you; I hope you know that." He looked sincere to John. He nodded and smiled at Roger. He pulled him closer and lifted his comforter and they slid under it. John put his arms around Rogers' neck and tucked his head into the crook of his neck, while Roger pulled him closer and put his arms around his waist. 

"Good night, Roger."

"Good night John,"

John fell asleep, while Roger just stared at the angel in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks a lot for reading this and i want to ask you guys if you want deaky to wake up or just die its up to you if he lives or not (bum bum bumm) so until then i'll do soem more John/Roger flashbacks, but next chapter will be John/Freddie but their first date so yayyyyy  
> k bye


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay okay I know just read the end notes

_December of 1972_

John cuddled into Roger's chest, dreading how cold it was. Roger tightened his grip on him, trying to make him warmer. "D-do we have another blanket?" John stuttered. He could feel Roger shake his head no, and John groaned. It was cold as hell, about 19 degrees Fahrenheit. It was Christmas time, there was snow and cold weather. Thank god Brian had some sense and didn't book any gigs until mid-January. Roger called him a dumbass last time he did that, which made him pissed, so he got back at him by booking 6 gigs in a week.

John felt his eyelids start to close, and when Roger pulled him closer, he was basically asleep. Pounding on the door woke them up, and Brian yelling at Roger since he and Freddie didn't know about them. It's been almost two years since they started 'dating' and they hid it pretty well. Brian might suspect something though. After a gig a few weeks ago, Roger fucked John into the storage room wall. He said he was 'too hot' in the short shorts he found in Freddie's closet. He blamed Freddie, who said that if he told Freddie, they'd be found out. But someone walked by the closet, whose footsteps were too heavy and feet shadows were long, and he commented on how John looked in the car.

"Roger! Get up, we're buying some more blankets!" He yelled. Roger looked at John and placed a kiss on his lips and then forehead. "I'll be back in a little, okay?" He whispered. John nodded and smiled at him. He got up and threw some clothes on and left. John shivered because now it was colder without his body heat. He got up and wrapped the 9 blankets the shared around him. Roger had been smart and closed his door this time because once Roger left it open and they were almost found out. He opened the door and walked over to Freddie's room. He knocked and heard him say 'come in'. He opened the door and saw Freddie bundled in numerous blankets and comforters around him. "Freddie! Why can't you share? I had to share blankets with Roger!" John gasped. Freddie peaked his head out of his little blanket hut. “Come and join me darling, body heat and heavy layers of blankets always work!” He called from his tent thing. John wrapped his blankets closer to him and walked over to Freddie's bed. A hand poked out from under the blankets and lifted all the blankets. John laughed and climbed next to Freddie. He curled himself next to Freddie and sighed. 

Freddie shifted to his side so he could whisper something to John. "Darling, would you like to go to dinner with me? Maybe later tonight or tomorrow?" He murmured into his ear. John turned his head in surprise. Didn't he know about Roger? Of course, he didn't. Nobody knew. He couldn’t say no, and he couldn’t say _I’m dating Roger._ He found himself nodding, and Freddie smiled into his hair. He turned away from him and closed his eyes, regretting his choice.

* * *

 

He woke up sweating and panting. Another nightmare? He checked his arms and, there was a new scar. If anyone saw these, they’d call him depressed and that he cuts himself. Which he doesn’t. They started to appear after he joined Queen. It was the weirdest thing because the nightmares happened every night and he was covered in scars. Once there was a fucking burn mark on his appendix. He told Roger, then started dating him, which caused them to stop. But if he were to be with Freddie, they would come back. He needed Roger. He loved Roger. He blushed under the covers and let out a small giggle. That also brought up the point to whether they were here or not. He turned and saw that Freddie was gone, and there were muffled voices from outside.

He pushed the covers off of himself and stood up. Freddie has a large mirror that he looked at himself in. He really didn’t know what Roger liked about him. He had skinny legs and arms, looked like a skeleton and probably the only good thing about himself was his hair. He sighed to himself and opened the door. Brian and Freddie were talking, but there was no Roger. “Where’s Roger?” He asked, turning his head towards Brian. He pointed to his door that was down the hall. John smiled at him and walked up to the stairs, and knocked on Roger’s door. “Yeah?” He called from inside his room. “C-can I come in?” He stuttered. John heard something fall from inside and Roger stumbling to the door. It opened and Roger invited him in, smiling at him.

He closed the door and walked back over to John. “Hey, deaky. How was your day?” He asked, sliding a hand down John’s side. “It was good, I slept in Freddie’s room, where he hoarded all the blankets and comforters. It was really warm. If he goes out tonight, we should steal some of them.” He told him. Roger nodded and smiled at him and leaned towards him to place a kiss on his lips. John felt comfortable again, forgetting about his nightmare. He pulled away from Roger, blushing and looking at his feet.

“Hey, Roger, I have to tell you something…” John mumbled. Roger tipped John's head up and smiled at him softly. “You can tell me anything. Unless you're breaking up with me, I won’t let you tell me.” Roger joked. John let out a small laugh and shook his head. “No, of course not. Freddie asked me to dinner earlier,” Roger tipped his head in amusement. “I didn’t know what to say, so I said yes. It would only seem suspicious if I said no. And you know that when someone tells Freddie no, he askes you and doesn’t stop. I couldn’t tell him about us. You remember what happened with his last friend,” John looked down as Roger dropped his hand. “Baby, it’s okay. You can always cancel. And if you want to keep our relationship hidden because you’re more comfortable that way, I’m completely okay with that. And if going with Freddie seems less suspicious, then I’m okay with that as well.” Roger grabbed his hands and squeezed them softly. John looked up at him and smiled weakly. “I’ll cancel, I don’t want you to feel like I don’t care about you. A-and...” John blushed. “I love you.” John blushed harder and looked down at his feet. Roger cupped his cheek with his hand and brought his up to his. He kissed him softly and placed his other hand on his hip. John put his hands on each of his shoulders and smiled into the kiss. Roger pulled away from him and sighed softly.

“I love you too, John. And don’t cancel on Fred yet. Give him a date or two.” He winked.

John never felt so loved and cherished. He leaned back into Roger and kissed him forcefully. Roger grunted in surprise and pulled him back to his bed.

“We should do this after we steal some blankets from Freddie,” Roger whispered to him. John giggled at him as they snuck off to steal some blankets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sigh* I have been testing since Tuesday last week and it ends tomorrow! but I have a meet, so I won't be able to update tomorrow. I really didn't know that it would take me a week to update. testing had been tough and I haven't been taking care of my self recently (i passed out yesterday) but I'm okay now, and hopefully, I'll get another chapter out by Thursday or Friday, and then maybe on this weekend. so my apologies, and thank you for your feedback about John living! I have a great next couple chapters ready for you all and go check out my art on my Instagram account. see you on Thursday or Friday!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter will be out tomorrow or Saturday!

John felt really, _really_ weird. It was like he still had his thoughts and could feel himself breathing, but he didn’t want to believe it. He could always hear someone talking, but could only make a few words at a time. There was just darkness, and he was scared constantly. He didn’t know how long it had been since he jumped off the roof of their building. It was so relieving jumping off and hitting the ground. It was like all his pain went away. But in the end, it really hadn’t. He missed kissing Roger. He missed singing and writing songs. He missed the air that would blow on his face on the roof with Roger. He missed it all. He even missed Freddie and Brian.

He had to escape. Somehow, he would. He knew he was still alive, but just unconscious. At one point he heard a female voice say that he took something to keep him alive, but he didn’t remember doing that. He blinked a few times. He knew what was happening! His grandfather had tried to kill himself, but in the end, surviving from some sort of substance found in his body. It must have somehow passed down to him, keeping him alive. He smiled, knowing that Roger was sitting next to him because his voice got clearer.

“…He’s smiling! What does that mean? Can he hear us? Does he know I’m here? John? John!” Roger sounded panicked. He wanted to say _Yes! I am! Roger!_ But no sound came out of his mouth. He frantically thought of a way to wake himself up but came up with nothing. “I’m sorry!” He wailed. “The pain was too much! It hurt, everything hurt! I was lost and became to caught up in the fact that nobody cared!”

He lets sobs escape his mouth and tears run down his face as he kept repeating, _I’m sorry, the pain was too much._ He sat there until Roger’s voice disappeared. He sighed and felt tears in his eyes. It was truly hopeless, wasn’t it? Life, living for yourself and not others. He stood up and let out a short laugh. “It was worth nothing, wasn’t it? The life he had was so much greater than mine. A bassist who’s in love with a drummer, playing with two people who hate me!” He laughed again. “It was worth nothing!” He yelled. He shut his eyes and screamed as loud as he could. He dropped to his knees and started to laugh again.

_hello?_

_is there anybody in here?_

_just nod if you can hear me_

_is there anyone home?_

There was a bright light in the distance. It was blinding, to say the least. John walked towards it, leaving thoughts behind.

**worthless**

_come on now, i hear you’re feeling down_

_well, i can ease your pain_

_and get you on your feet again_

Each thought he said in his mind were fading away, into nothing. It felt good, to be honest, it felt wonderful. It felt like he was going on his first date with Roger again. He could feel himself feeling freer with every word said.

**another time john, can’t you see i don’t have time for your stupid song?**

**just leave us alone and let the grown-ups do the work.**

**this is absolute shit! were these words written in that garbage mind of yours?**

**do i need to get you a teacher? this should be easy for you, you fucking dumbass!**

_I turned to look, but it was gone._

_The child is grown, the dream is gone._

_I have become,_

_Comfortably numb._

**_John? Can you hear us?_ **

**_His heartbeat keeps changing, what’s happening to him?_ **

**_I don’t know, we can try CPR?_ **

**_John!_ **

**_Wake up!_ **

**_John!_ **

**_Please, baby, wake up. We know you’re still alive!_ **

_once we were mad, we were happy_

_we spent all our days holding hands_

_do you remember, my love?_

_how we danced and we played_

_in the rain we laid_

_wish we could stay there, forever and ever_

**_His heartbeat is steady again Brian! Look!_ **

**_Beep. Beep. Beep._ **

Roger?

Freddie?

Brian?

Where are they?

Where are you?

Hello?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, and i hope you'll like the next chapters i write!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah, sorry i didn't get this out last night, played Skyrim for 15 hours straight

Roger was flipping through John’s old sketchbooks on his bed, tears blurring his vision when Brian and Freddie burst in.

“Roger! We need to go back to the hospital, John’s waking up!” Brian said to him, making him snap the book shut and look up at him in shock. He slid his legs over the bed and ran past him to get a jacket and pair of shoes. They followed him as he put his shoes and jacket on, and grabbed the car keys.

They got to the hospital in a hurry, parking the car closer this time. Roger ran because he wasn’t in clogs or high-heeled boots. He got up to the front desk and practically yelled he was here for John Deacon. “John…Deacon…Where is he? Tell me!” He slammed his fists onto the table, tears going down his face. The nurse stood up and lead him to a room, different than last time and opened the door.

There he was. Laying in the bed, twitching and saying things. The doctor next to him looked up at Roger. “Hello, are you here to see John? He’s gaining consciousness. He has been like this for about two hours.” The doctor handed him a chart with something written on it. He pulled a chair up to John’s bed and hung his head.

“I’m sorry, John. I love you so much. This shouldn’t have happened.” He whispered. Tears went down his face and dripped onto his clothes and the clipboard. He sniffed and brought his hand up to his face and wiped away his own tears. He picked up the clipboard and read it.

_Name John Deacon._

_Age: 24_

_Sex: Male_

_Blood type: RH-_

_The substance found in the body after death: Unknown._

_Mentally ill: Not Determined._

Mentally ill? John wasn’t mentally ill. He did have a few problems, but he didn’t need to be admitted into a mental institution. He looked up at the doctor, who was monitoring John’s heartbeat and breathing. “Uh, doctor? Why does it say ‘Not determined’ by mentally ill?” Roger showed him the board and pointed to the section he was talking about.

“Mr. Deacon killed himself. Or at least attempted to do so. He is either depressed, insane or mentally ill. The cuts on his arms and torso show that he could be depressed, but some of these cuts aren’t normal cuts. Some are markings of some type of cult or religion. We don’t know.” The doctor confirmed. He turned back to John and continued to look him over.

“He woke up with them, sometimes. The burn mark, he didn’t do that. The cuts below his heart were there in one night, and the diagonal cuts on his appendix showed up one morning. He did some of them, but most of them he didn’t do.” Roger pulled the conversation back.

The doctor huffed and turned around, getting annoyed. “Look, we don’t know what’s happening inside John’s head. Something kept him alive, and with all the cultural markings, he could have been involved with- “John stirred and groaned. They turned their heads at him, forgetting the conversation. His hand twitched and he grunted.

“John? John!” Roger stood up and moved over to John’s bed. The doctor turned and grabbed the phone. “John Deacon is waking up. Please send a nurse.” He set the phone down and walked over to John. He set the IV to a little higher and checked his heartbeat.

“What the hell is happening?” Freddie burst in, a nurse and Brian following him. The nurse pushed past Freddie and walked over to the doctor. “John might be waking up, you idiot.” Freddie gasped and Brian did the same. John grunted again, getting all their attention. Roger looked at Brian, then to Freddie, worried at first, but now comforted by them. The doctor and nurse started to talk and repeatedly check his heart rate.

“What can we expect when he wakes up?” Brian asked the nurse. She looked over to him and shrugged. “We have no clue. He could be in a state where he forgives all or hates everyone. Or, one case, he could only remember one person; the person he loved most. Or the person who loved him the most.” She turned back around as Roger felt the heat go to his cheeks. Freddie caught a glance at Roger, amused.

John grunted again and yawned like he was waking up. He turned over and moved his arm across like he was putting his arm over Roger. He patted the bed because Roger was _definitely_ not next to him. He opened his eyes and yawned. He turned onto his back and closed his eyes and stretched.

Roger couldn’t wait any longer. John was awake. He was awake! After all he had been through he couldn’t just stand there. “John!” He yelled, tears in his eyes. He climbed onto the bed and hugged John. He started to cry onto his shoulder while John wrapped his arms around Roger and closed his eyes. “I missed you so much, you don-don’t understand…” Roger said. John nodded and sniffed, holding in tears.

They heard a door open and close. Roger opened his eyes to see it was just them in the room. He pulled his face away from John and smashed his lips onto his. John returned the kiss, tangling his hands into Roger’s hair.

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry…please forgive me……” John murmured in between kisses. “Oh, John…I forgive you…” Roger murmured back. John pulled back and started to cry. “Baby, don’t cry…don't cry,” Roger soothed as he held John. He cried into his shoulder and kept repeating _the pain was too much._ It pained him to hear him say it, but he knew he meant it.

“Roger,” John whispered to him after calming down.

“Yeah, John?”

_i’m sorry_

_the pain was too much_

_i’m sorry._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> john is awake! and could there be something wrong with him? found out when the next chapter is john's pov !!!!!1111!!!!!1!!!!11 also at the end of the chapter john is not talking


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there, been busy but read the endnotes! also sorry for grammar errors, i was too lazy to fix them

“JOHN!” Roger yelled as he threw himself against John and started to cry. John wasn’t even sitting up when Roger hugged him. John wrapped his arms around Roger, never wanting to let go. Roger cried into his shoulder and held him close like he was going to vanish in thin air.

“I missed you so much, you don-don’t understand Roger whimpered, trying to not cry again. He got distracted by the door closing, but turned his head back to John and kissed him forcefully. Like he hadn’t, for years it seemed, because John tangled his hands into Rogers' hair pulling him closer.

“I’m sorry,” Kiss. “I’m sorry,” Kiss. “Please forgive me…” They paused for a moment. “Oh, John…I forgive you.” John looked him in the eye and started bawling. He grabbed Roger and pulled him closer, crying like he’d lost everything all over again. “The pain was too much; the pain was too much…” He repeated in-between coughs.

Roger paused for a moment, hearing a voice. John wasn’t saying anything else though. He looked down on him, seeing him cry was so painful. He pulled John closer to him and put his face in Johns' hair, starting to sing John’s last song.

 _“Another party’s over, and I’m left cold sober. Baby left me for someone new, I don’t wanna talk about it, want to forget about. Wanna get intoxicated with that special brew.”_ Roger hummed the rest, while he J pulled John to him and they laid on the hospital bed together, John’s head on his chest falling asleep quickly.

The door opened and Freddie walked in. “Oh, good. He’s asleep. I didn’t want to walk in on you shagging,” He pulled roger’s chair up to the bed and sat down. He sighed and looked down. “Don’t beat yourself up, Freddie.” Roger offered. He scoffed and looked up at him. “I’m beginning to realize what losing John means, and now getting him backs means,” He hung his head again while Roger sat there, confused. “What does it mean?” He pondered to Freddie. “It means that I-I don’t know what to do. John will hate me and Brian, and maybe, we should take a little break…” Freddie trialed off. Roger sat up so fast that he forgot John was laying on top of him, so when he grunted, he had to force himself to relax.

“You are such an idiot, John forgives you. In his journal he left for me it said so. He forgives you and Brian. And, the best is that…he forgive me too.” Roger sniffed, chuckling to himself about how John can make him feel so happy, but at the same time so sad. Maybe Roger was just getting used to losing John. He looked at Freddie, who seemed to understand what he was thinking. He nodded and stood up, looking back at John, a small smile on his lips. The door closed with a small _click_ and it was just them again.

“John, wake up,” He shook his shoulder gently. John opened his eyes and blinked up at Roger. He smiled and closed his eyes again, trying to fall back asleep. “No, John stay awake for at least ten minutes, okay?” Roger shook him again. John groaned but opened his eyes to look at him again. “I…I want you to know how much I love you. You have no clue, John,” John’s eyes went wide and he turned around and sat up to face Roger. “What we did before you jumped…I…words can’t express how sorry I am. So, I, uh, Got you something. It’s nothing fancy since we’re broke, but I found some things to do outside of the band,” He pulled a small box out of his pocket and handed it to him. “Oh, Roger, you really didn’t have to do this,” He said.

John took the box from him and opened it. Inside was a small ring, silver and two centimeters wide, with a rose engraved on the inside. John got tears in his eyes and looked at Roger, who was smiling at him. “It’s so beautiful, Roger…” He sniffed and handed the box and his hand over to Roger. He took the ring out of the box and slid it onto John’s middle finger. “You remembered?” he murmured. “Bassists wear rings on their middle fingers, not ring fingers,” Roger quoting John’s words. He held his hand up and admired the ring from different perspectives. He saw Roger looking at him and cried, laughing a little as he flung himself at the drummer. Roger laughed and held the love of his life, happy and content.

Roger tilted Johns chin up from his chest and leaned down to kiss him. John had tears still streaming down his face, which Roger quickly wiped away. John laughed into the kiss and Roger felt some tears go down his own face as well.

“I love you, Roger,” John whispered in between a kiss.

“I love you too, deaky.” Roger murmured back.

_I try to say goodbye and I choke,_

_Try to walk away and I stumble,_

_Though I try to hide it,_

_It’s clear, my world crumbles when you are not here._

_I play it off, but I’m dreaming of you._

_I keep my cool, but I’m fiending._

_I try to say good-bye and I choke,_

_Try to walk and I stumble,_

_Though I try to hide it, it's clear,_

_My world crumbles when you are not here._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi uh Behind Blue Eyes is going to be taking three to four days to update because of well, life  
> and we hit 650 hits! so happy so many of you like it! i have some more one-shots ready to post for in between chapters, and sometime next week Behind Blue Eyes will be on hiatus because i have to see a doctor for my sudden appearance of asthma ( a week at the most )  
> see you all soon!


	10. Chapter 10

Roger walked into the hospital because he got a call from John's doctor saying that John was ready to be released from the hospital. He walked past the front door and right to John's room. HIs doctor was holding a chart outside of his room, tapping is foot patiently for Roger. He looked up when Roger neared and smiled at him. 

"Mr. Taylor, happy to see you again," he said while shaking his hand. Roger nodded to him. "I suppose I'll let you see John now," He chuckled and opened the door. Roger smiled and walked into John's room. He was looking out the window, looking incredibly sad and lonely. "I think I'm in the wrong room..." He said smiling. John turned his head and smiled. "Roger! Guess what!" He chirped. Roger walked over to him and checked to make sure it was just them to give a quick peck on the lips. The doctor opened the door before they were caught. "Mr. Taylor, Can you look at this chart, please? Last time you looked at it you thought there was something wrong." He handed Roger the clipboard as he scanned his eyes over it. 

"Everything seems right, except this," He walked over to him and pointed to the _Mentally ill_ section. The doctor nodded to him and sadly smiled. "If you could take a seat next to Mr. Deacon, please." He pulled another chair out as Roger sat down in the chair that was placed next to a very confused John. "Roger?" He turned his head towards him, looking a little frightened. "Well if you remember Mr. Taylor we were talking about the clipboard before John woke up. It seems like the subject has been dropped fro a week. Now, you may not want to involve John in this, but since it's about him and his mental health." John gasped while Roger looked down at his lap, feeling John's gaze burning into his shoulder.

"What's he talking about, Roger?" John asked, his voice cracking a little. "Mr. Deacon, you killed yourself. Reports from Mr. Mercury and Mr. May show that you were no longer sane. You then killed yourself, and some substance was found, then two days before you woke up, which was about 3 weeks after you killed yourself, you're now sane. We believe that you know something." He stared him down while John had to keep tears in. "The...the same thing happened to some of my other family members. But only my Grandfather and I have had the same outcome." He said, looking down. "Do you know what happened with the other family members?" The doctor asked, writing what John had told him down.

"They died," John whispered. Roger stiffened, while the doctor tensed and wrote it down. "I would like you to see if these markings found on your body were similar to his," John looked up and grabbed the papers that were being handed to him. He frowned at them, not understanding what they meant. "What do you need me to do again?" The doctor looked uncomfortable for a split moment, but hen cleared his throat. "These markings were found on your torso and upper right arm, they were drawn, and if you could see if these markings were on his arms or legs. Or anyone mentioning them." John's expression shifted as his hand twitched.

"Yeah, these were there. My grandmother said that one night he woke up but a dremora or something had taken control of him. There was no more cuts after he got possessed." The doctor nodded while Roger thought to himself. If the cuts and markings were taking months to show up, then would have to be in the same order, wouldn't they? Maybe the doctor was right. It could be something that involves Satanists, and cultural things. 

"Roger?" John asked him. "I think...I want to go home now." He looked very uncomfortable and was shifting him the hospital bed.

"Okay, we can go." He helped John get ready while glaring at the doctor every chance he could. They said their thanks and left.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay chapter 11 also thanks for 800 hits!

They arrived at the flat at about half an hour later. John just went straight to his room and his room phone could be heard ringing through the door. Roger glanced at Brian who was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. Freddie was either in his room or out and about. He sighed and went over to John's room. The door was open, and he turned around to shut the door quietly. He turned to face John who was on the floor, waiting for someone to pick up. He moved to lay against his bed and huffed into the receiver.

His eyes lit up when a faint  _Hello?_ was heard through the phone. "Hi, mum. It's John. Just got back from the hospital." He said into the phone.  _I want you to come over for dinner, okay? Maybe bring one of your friends?_ "Yeah, I can..I can do that. When?" He pushed the phone up to his face and huffed.  _Tonight. We saw the news and I would like to know if you were okay._ He hesitated to answer. "Okay, tonight is fine. I'll come over at 7?"  _That's fine. We'll make one of your favorite dishes. I love you. See you soon._ "Great! Love you too, Mum." He hung up and put his head in his hands and groaned. "Hey." Roger sat against the wall and looked at John, eyes filled with love. John looked up and scooted himself up into Roger's arms. Roger held him and whispered things into his ear to make him feel at least slightly better. John hated crying. But when Roger held like this and whispered things to him, he could help but cry.

He sniffed and when Roger stopped talking, he started to bawl. Roger held him even closer and put his face into the fluffy hair and just breathed him in while John let his emotions that he'd been hiding since he asked if the could leave the hospital. He just held him and let him for who knows how long. "We should probably get ready." John sighed and pushed himself off of Roger and stood up. Roger stood up and faced him. "Do you feel better now?" He only nodded, which was good enough for Roger. "You know that you're going to meet my mom. Right?" He said while walking over to the drawer. He pulled out a nice long sleeve sweatshirt with some black slacks while John decided that he would be choosing Roger's outfit.

"That-no-you can't do this!" He sputtered. John looked at him darkly. "I can. And I will." He rasped. He turned back to the drawer and threw some clothes at Roger. When he turned back around he was himself and started to take his clothes off. He changed quickly, while Roger took his time. He grunted and swung the door open and walked downstairs. John headed to the front door when someone cleared their throat. He turned to see Brian and Freddie, both looking like they wanted an explanation. "Well?" Brian used his parent voice while Freddie looked at him, amused but a little annoyed. "Roger and I are dating. Have been since 1971." He said flatly. He walked over to the counter and grabbed the car keys. "Roger and I are going over to my mum's. Feel free to make any food." He turned his head up towards the stairs. "Hurry up!" He shouted.

Roger came downstairs and huffed. He looked shocked at Brian and Freddie's looks while the couple passed them. Roger had only realized two things.

1.) He was about to meet his boyfriend's mom.

2.) HIs flatmates just found they'd been dating for years now.

Oops?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for no notes yesterday, i had to finish and post the last chapter on my phone also sorry this is short, my head hurts and i don't feel well i might start the hiatus now and come back with a longer chapter, or maybe even two chapters!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi im back

John got into the passenger seat of the car, tossing the keys to Roger. "You seem stressed, what's wrong?" Roger said as he buckled his seat belt in. He looked at John who was twisting the ring he gave him on his finger, smiling softly. Roger smiled at himself, knowing that the ring made John less worried and more relaxed and calm. He turned the ignition on and started to drive to John's mother's house. John sighed as he passed familiar roads. "I haven't seen my mum in a long while. She's going to be...happy and not happy to see me at the same time." Roger nodded and turned onto a new road. "She also doesn't know about us. And try not to mention my father, please. She's still bitter about that." They turned onto the house road and pulled into the drive-through. He let out a long breath and a loving smile to him. He hopped out of the car and walked up to the front porch. Roger wasn't that far behind him, ruffling his hair a little and huffing.

He rang the bell once, and the door swung open. "John! I'm so happy you're here!" His mother said. She pulled him into a hug and pulled back to kiss his cheek. "Who's your friend? Is he in your band too?" She stuck her hand out, and he shook it, smiling. "I'm Roger, we're in the same band." She smiled back and invited them inside. It was very nice, and there were pictures on the walls. One was a kid holding a bass. "John, is this you?" He asked pointing at the picture. He turned to him and his face flushed when he saw the picture. "It's my first bass. I was 15." He smiled at the picture, and then his face was replaced by disgust. He blinked at him, but then shrugged it off. "John! Come help me in here!" She called from the kitchen. He walked in, and she was stirring the macaroni. He leaned on the counter, taking in the smell of his favorite food.

"Are you and him dating?" She asked, smirking. He went from confident to a stammering mess. "We-well...uh-y-yes.Yes." She let a short laugh out and moved to the fridge for some milk. "I won't give in a talk, I promise. Don't let him control you, John." He shivered at the thought of his father. "We've been dating for, like, 5 years." He set his hand on he table, not knowing it was the hand with the ring on it. Her eyes darted towards it. "Oh my god! You're engaged!" She said loudly. He shook his hands no, "Roger gave it to me in the hospital when I woke up." Her expression changed in an instant. "That is what I wanted to talk about," She moved away from the stove and walked over to the box of newspapers. She picked one up that had his 'death' headlined in bold. He was always surprised on how fast her emotions changed.

"What the hell is this!?" She shouted and slapped the paper on the counter. He flinched back but was brought back to himself. "It's uh...complicated?" He tried. "No, it's not! It's not, and you're going to explain all this to me, or else I'll bring your father into this!" She yelled. He got tears in his eyes (He hated being yelled at, and when his father was involved) He sniffed and stood up straight. "You want to know? Fine! I jumped off a roof. I went into a coma, like Grandfather did, I don't know why the same course that eh went through is going on with me, I woke up, and things are still crazy, and I don't know how to deal with them!" He said, he didn't like to yell, and he would never yell at his mother. "This is ridiculous! You are proving yourself to be irresponsible again, and I'm ready to get your father and make him talk to you again, you really want that? You want that?" She screamed the last sentence, fists clenched and eyes glaring. 

John physically took a step back and shook his head in disgust. "I'm an adult now, you can't be controlling me like I'm 15 again! This is bullshit!" He shook his head again. He turned around and grabbed a very startled Roger from his seat. "See you soon,  _Lillian._ _"_ He said it almost threateningly, it was creepy how he turned into a completely different person. Roger had no clue what their family past was, but whatever it was, it was bad. Her face went from anger to sheer horror. She dropped the spoon and backed away. He looked back at John, whose eyes had gone that ghost grey again and dark smile over his face. He blinked and his eyes were blue-grey again. He turned and swung the door open. And ran.

 

* * *

 

John sprinted out of the porch, aware of Roger calling to him. He could run fast, he was in track in high school, creating records that still weren't beatable. He ran and when he got to the lake, where the city was across from it, he knew to stop running and go back to Roger. But he couldn't. Roger would be so confused, and angry at him. They said they would tell each other secrets, no matter how shocking. But this would blow Roger away. He'd be so scared of him. And then John wouldn't be able to not have Roger. He slowed down a little, thinking. If Roger ran from him, he would run after him; he would never stop running. But here he is, running away from his best friend. The person who would do anything for him no matter what. He stopped and sighed, looking around at the unfamiliar surroundings. He was in front of a black fence that went around the whole lake. The wind blew his hair back, exposing his face to the sunlight that filtered through the clouds.

It took him a minute to realize someone was standing beside him. He turned his head to see a short blonde man standing next to him. He huffed and let out a nervous laugh. He brought a hand up to rub the back of his neck, but as it was going up Roger snatched his hand and held it. He blushed a faint shade of pink, but then going downcast. "Sometimes people act out of character." He said, still focused on the lake. "You mean you didn't know that I could run?" He smiled a little, but turned his head to face John. "So, are you going to tell me what all that was about? Or do I have to go back and figure it out myself?" John looked at him and smiled, a wide grin. "I'll tell you. But you can't yell at me, okay?" Roger nodded and started to play with the silver ring on his middle finger. "Leave this on, forever, please? It looks so pretty on you." John nodded and stepped away from the railing. 

"I'll tell you, and you'll learn."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be angst and hurt/comfort with the whole band, and i am looking forward to it
> 
> i also read the two new chapters of A Night To Forget and wanted to kms from the end of chapter 32 
> 
> smash kudos


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY FUCK 1000 HITS thanks so much guys, i celebrated by eating ramen and watching the office  
> sorry about mistakes, idc enough to go and fix them

John went straight to his room while Roger was left downstairs. "So? Care to explain why your boyfriend's all riled up and pissed?" Brian said, crossing his arms. Roger sighed, letting them know now was not the time. "Look, what happened at his mums wasn't good, and the car ride could have gone better. He's going to tell me what wrong." Freddie scoffed. "You mean why he changes to totally different people? I'd like to know why as well. Brian would too." He finished, flicking his cigarette. He motioned for them to follow him. Freddie murmured something to Brian, who looked a little upset but nodded his head. He ran up the stairs and slowly walked into John's room. He had a sketchbook out, his pencil making a loud amount of noise. He cleared throat and John looked up at him. He closed the book and set it down, the pencil still in his hand.

"I guess Roger told you a little bit. I suppose I should tell you the rest."

_1966_

"John, come down and see what we bought you!" His mother called from downstairs. He raced down them, tripping at the last one. His eyes were bright and happy and full of excitement. They handed him a large gift when he sat down, unwrapping it gently. When he finished unwrapping it, he stared. "Oh my god, a bass guitar! This is the best gift ever! Thank you, thank you!" He jumped up, holding his new bass in his hands, with a large smile. His father stood up and grabbed the camera, snapping a picture of him holding it. His father laughed and showed the picture to his mother. She smiled sadly, her eyes showing pain.

"Mum? Are you okay?" He asked, setting his bass down and walking over to her. His father coughed and rubbed the back if his neck. "This shouldn't be getting in the way of your birthday, but it is," she started, tears forming in her eyes. "You father and I getting a divorce."  _Divorce?_ He blinked at her, and then at his father. "But, but why?" He asked, his voice cracking a little. "We may seem happy to you, but in reality, we aren't. You'll stay with your mother, and I'm moving back to Germany." He sniffed and held his bass close, the last gift he'd get from both of them.

_Present Time_

"When your parents got divorced, you took it hard, huh?" Brian asked, curious. John nodded solemnly, playing with the carpet. "After that, we almost lost our house, and before my father left, he and my mum were always fighting. It was terrible. They were always so happy and never fought, but after my 15th birthday...things got out of hand." He shuddered at the thought of his father coming back into his life, or really anyone else in his family.

_1966_

John could hear muffled yells and cries coming from downstairs. "You dumb bitch! Why can't you see that John belongs with his father? Not you, you can't even support yourself! How will you support him as well? Becoming a whore?" He yelled at his mother, while she cried. "He shouldn't be near anyone like you! You fucking crackhead!"  _Slap. Slap._ She cried out in pain, and John's eyes started to water. He held his bass close, along with his _Led Zeppelin_ album. "What-what are you doing? Let go of me! Let go-" She yelled but was cut off. Her scream was muffled by a hand or cloth, John didn't know, but when he father grunted, and his mother screamed, he could only imagine the worst. After a few moments, the sounds coming from downstairs were getting louder, and when his mother started to moan, he couldn't listen anymore. He plugged his headphones into his record player and turned the volume up until he couldn't hear the sounds anymore.

He didn't know how long he sat there listening to the same record over and over again, crying softly. His door opened and his mother stepped in, mascara in lines down her checks. She walked over to him and crouched down. He took the headphones off and sniffed. "Oh, baby. I'm sorry if you heard anything. Things were..intense with your father and me. He's still leaving, and you are staying with me." He wrapped his arms around her and sniffed, crying into her shoulder. After a moment, she started to cry with him, and they sat there crying until John fell asleep in her arms.

_1969_

"John! Get ready, we're going to see your grandfather!" His mother called from downstairs. It had been almost four years since his father left them, and three since his sister was born. He walked over to his mirror and grabbed the brush that was below it. His hair was shoulder length now and was _very_ fluffy. He huffed and grabbed the jacket that was on his bed. He opened his door and walked downstairs. "Don't say anything to make your grandmother upset, okay? She's still sensitive about the whole thing." He nodded and grabbed his sketchbook that he had left on the coffee table earlier at breakfast.

"Get your sister in the car, and start it, I'll be out shortly." She called from the kitchen. He set his sketchbook down and walked over to his sister's high chair. He picked her up and walked out to the car. "We're going to see Grandpa today, Julie. Are you excited?"  He asked her as they reached the car. She squealed and clapped her hands as he set her in her car seat and buckled her in. "John, is she buckled in yet?" Lillian said from the porch. He turned and walked up to the porch to get his sketchbook, nodding to his mother as he walked past her and inside. He sighed and saw his sketchbook on the table counter and grabbed it, turning and jogging out the door, locking it behind him. 

As he hopped into the passenger seat, getting lost in thought, thinking about what to say and do, act and walk, touch and stand, sit or lay. The stopped and he was brought back to the present. The familiar house was in front of them,  letting out a sigh as he got out of the car and walked to the porch as his mother got Julie. The moment he knocked on the door, he got very light-headed. He backed away but was still being drawn into the house. The door was open now, not like it was seconds before. He walked in, ignoring the calls from his mother. He went to the stairs and walked up to them into his grandfather's room.

As he walked in, he could only see two figures; everything else was blurry. "I was wondering if this would work, everyone else seems oblivious to it." A voice said. The shadowy figure got up and walked over to him, resting their hands on his shoulders. "You want to know, don't you?" He nodded, trying to figure out if he recognized the voice of the shadow. "Sit down, please. We don't need you getting sore feet now, do we?" He was directed to a couch of some sort, it was comfortable. "Tell me, who are you?" He tilted his head, and when the figure nodded he spoke. "I'm John Richard Deacon, son of Arthur Deacon and Lillian Deacon." He responded bluntly. The figure patted him on the head, and the setting changed.  _You are getting rewarded with good information. You will get information like this when you give us correct answers. You get bad information when you answer incorrectly._ He nodded and closed his eyes.

When he opened them, he was seeing a younger version of his Grandfather. Nothing happened, but he felt new memories filling his brain, he didn't know how it would feel. He cried out, asking for forgiveness, but getting nothing but the pain of memories. He closed his eyes and screamed, the pain getting intensely worse. He opened his eyes and was back in the room with the figures. All the pain was gone, but he could feel tears going down his face. "Now, tell us what you know." He tilted his head again, and the figure nodded. Suddenly, there was a lot of flashing and yelling. He went to move his hands up to his ears when someone grabbed him. He screamed and tried to free himself. This wasn't the peacefulness he had a moment ago. "Shh, John, shh..." Somebody whispered as they pressed their fingers to his temples. He whimpered as he felt his eyelids get heavy.

"Sleep, darling, sleep..." Was the last thing he heard from the voice as he closed his eyes.

* * *

**remember this emptiness? no, no, of course, you don't. this hasn't happened a second time yet.**

**when do you want this to happen again? soon probably would be a smart answer, yes, yes it would.**

**it's a shame that you aren't repeating what happened before you.**

**it's not fair! no! and it's your fault! all your fault!**

**...**

**sorry. it's not your fault. you just have the wrong family. but maybe you don't, do you?**

**you need those three. the blonde who loves you more than life, the persian who loves the tall one. and the tall one who loves the persian.**

**maybe you should head back to them now? they are worried about you. these events are scary to them.**

**going over this will help you, you know. letting everything out can be good.**

**you're worried, aren't you? yes of course you are. they are your family. you'd miss them.**

**now remember. you need to move on. john henry. move on. it's done and over.**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a long chapter, and it goes over things johns forgot. his grandfather, john henry had poisoned his mother's mind after what happened with John's father in 1969. afterward his aunt, a healer, came and had john forget those memories. then he "died" and they came back and then john goes over his past starting with the photo from his mothers also, the thing with john's mother and father when the fought added to john's anxiety and when his mother threatened him with his father, it was his deceased grandfather possessing her, he meant that he would invade his mind again, although didn't know that until he went over his past, it sort of awaken things that he had forgotten.
> 
> sorry, this might be confusing as fuck and spoiler alert, i'm only making this story 15 chapters long and then i'll take a break with long stories and write one-shots again


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright you might see why im ending this story lmao

Roger was  _just waiting_ for something to happen. He didn't know what it was, but he knew it would be bad. John started off when he got his first bass and when his parents divorced, which was painful for him to even say. But as he went along he started to twitch and shake. It was creeping him out, but Freddie and even Brian seemed unbothered by it. He shook it off as John talked about the figures and his Grandfather. He was visibly shaking now, tears in his eyes as he explained and talked. He looked over to the other two and blinked in shock. They were completely unfazed. He reached over and shook Freddie's shoulder, and he made no response. He turned his head to John, he was shaking uncontrollably. 

"John?  _John!_ " He reached over to him, but his arm stopped moving midway. "What the fuck? John!" He tried to move his arm, but it wouldn't budge. He started to panic, but before he could scream or yell, a woman appeared next to John. He blinked and froze, staring at her. She crouched down next to John and touched his temples, closing her eyes. John whimpered and twitched, but then she opened her eyes and he passed out. She laid him down on the ground in a comfortable position before turning her gaze to him. She had long auburn hair that glowed in the sunlight, just as beautiful as John's. Her bright green eyes were fierce as the glared him down, reminding him of John. 

She made no comment as she glared him down, but she stood up and moved over to him. She snapped her fingers and he fell from his current position, lying on the ground and blinking up at her. "You're Roger? Hm, not bad." She said reaching down to brush the loose strands of his hair. He didn't flinch or move, when she did it again, smirking at him. "No need to be afraid, young one. I'm not here to harm you or John. I am here to simply help him." She said, sitting down next to him. "Is he cursed?" He whispered, still too stunned to talk loudly. "In a way, yes, he is cursed. He'll wake up around midnight, no need to worry. John Henry thought he could...manipulate him and his family. He succeeded in a way, by "cursing" John. He will remember me coming to him, and so will you, but you mustn't say anything." She said. "Who are you? You look exactly like John." he managed to say with a normal voice. She laughed for a moment and continued. 

"I'm his other half," She said while he gaped at her. "His half is the half that carries the curse, and I am the half that will lead him to the breaking of his curse. He is getting close." She murmured the last sentence and stood up rather quickly. She looked around the room and snapped her fingers.  He heard a large _thud_ and saw that Freddie and Brian were also passed out. He shifted and moved so he was sitting criss-cross and trying to process all this. "Keep an eye on John, don't let him out of your sight." She said before disappearing into thin air.

_I'm going to need so much therapy after this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the final chapter is next !!! i can't express how grateful i am for getting 1000 hits too 
> 
> :0000


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey again

John opened his eyes and blinked a few times. He didn't remember falling asleep, so what happened? He sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes and yawning. "Roger?" He whispered. It was dark in the room, and he couldn't see much. Something moved and an _oof was_  made. He scooted back until he backed up into the wall, and when the footsteps got closer he reached out and slapped. "Ow!" He moved his hand back. "Roger?" He asked again. He reached out and the thing grabbed his hand and pulled him away from the wall. "It's Roger, are you all right?" he asked as John held onto him. He nodded and sighed into Roger's shoulder. "What happened?" He asked, still not moving. "You passed out. Freddie and Brian went to give us some space if that's alright?" John just nodded; he wanted this moment to be him and Roger. 

He closed his eyes and a building flashed before his eyes. His grip on Roger weakened and he stumbled backward. "John?" He asked, reaching out to him again. John closed his eyes again, hoping to see the building for a longer time. It looked like it was in the middle of Brighton, he'd only been there a few times, but he had seen the building before. He tried to stand up after opening his eyes, but hands caught him by the waist. "Woah, let's just rest a minute, okay?" Roger said, lowering John back to the ground. John shook his head and tried to free himself from the hands pulling him down. "Wha-? No, no, hold on- let me just-" He said as he struggled against Roger. He tightened his grip on him and pulled him down with more force than before.

 _"John."_ He said sternly. He stopped moving and moved to sit on the ground again. "You must stay here, okay? She'll be back soon, and then you can leave. But you must wait." He said to him, but John wasn't paying attention after he said  _she_. Was it the woman from his dreams? The one who saved all those years ago? She's back! He gasped and fell back into Roger. It became very cold, and he couldn't hear Roger talking anymore. 

**john**

The voice called. He closed his eyes, but this time a different building appeared.

**no**

He opened and closed his eyes many times after a while of the voice saying no. It looked like a park, only with black railings and a lake.  _Oh._ He thought. He'd been there with Roger.

**yes**

 He opened his eyes and looked up at Roger who was shaking him. "John, John!" He shook him, and John grabbed his arms. "Stop doing that, it makes me nervous." John just nodded, amusement in his eyes. "We have to go back to the lake, Roger. Something is there, and we have to go!" He tried to stand up, but Roger's hands wrapped around his waist. "Calm down, baby. Repeat that but slowly and so that I can understand and help," he said, taking John's hands and entwining them with his hands. Apparently, saying that made John mad. He twisted fast and hard, ripping his hands and body free, and falling onto his elbows.

"You don't know how I feel! To have all these feelings and emotions come back to you in an instant! So stop saying you understand, because you don't!" He yelled as he slowly stood up. Roger was already standing up, sadness and anger in his eyes. John started backing away from him, but Roger was quicker and grabbed him by the biceps.

"John! Enough of this. You clearly either don't care or you don't know, but you are the love of my life! I can't let anything else happen to you. I can't...I can't lose you again. Please don't leave, please don't..." He started to sob after saying he wouldn't let anything else happen to him. John felt immediately bad. Roger had pain as well. For fuck's sake, he saw him  _dead_.

He grabbed Roger's hands that were still on his arm, although holding onto them weakly, hanging his head and crying. John took him and held him, letting him cry into his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said any of those things." He whispered when Roger was just sniffling. He only nodded, accepting it.

Maybe trusting isn't so bad after all.

_**I look at you all,** _

_**See the love, that is sleeping.** _

_**While my guitar gently weeps.** _

_**I look at the floor,** _

_**and I see it needs sweeping.** _

_**Still, my guitar gently weeps.** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so 16 is an epilogue and idk why i put while my guitar gently weeps for the song, it felt like it belonged if you know the lyrics


	16. last chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just read the end notes please

_“Spread your wings and fly away, fly away, far away...”_

John's soft voice echoed through the house they owned, softly tapping piano keys that fit with the tune. Roger was following John's voice until he saw him sitting with a pencil humming and playing different notes. He leaned on the door frame, watching how John closed his eyes and set the pencil down. Roger moved himself to the ground in front of John, sitting and humming along with him. When John realized that Roger was humming with him, he opened his eyes and stopped. He looked down and smiled at him. He leaned down and moved his hands from the piano to Roger's face, cupping his face and kissing him softly.

He pulled away blushing and straightened himself up and returned to the piano. "You still blush, after all these years. It's so adorable." 

He shrugged and went back to his song. “Are you still working on that song? Freddie told you to take a break.” Roger asked, standing up and leaning on the piano.

“It needs to be done. I have nothing else to do.” He simply said. Roger reached over to grab the lyric sheet, but John smacked his hand away.

“If you want to help that bad, you can go get my bass.” He replied flatly, playing the keys, writing them down.

Roger sighed and chuckled as he went to their room that was dedicated to their music.  It was in the corner of the room in the stand. When Roger returned to John, he was tapping on the edge of the piano with the pencil; the other hand was playing keys until one sounded off and John groaned in frustration. 

"What did I say? You need a break." He said, putting the bass on the stand that was in the room. John shook his head furiously and crossed something out.

“Here,” Roger said as he extended his hand out for John to take. He turned his head upwards and grabbed Roger’s hand, lifting himself up.

Roger pulled him to the middle of the room, placing a hand on his hip and lifting his hand out.

“Let’s dance.”

John blushed as Roger guided him around the room slowly.

“Will you sing for me, please?” Roger asked softly to John. John looked at him and nodded.

_“Something in the way he moves,”_

_“Attracts me like no other lover,”_

_“Something in the ways he woos me,”_

_“I don’t want to leave him now,”_

_“You know I believe in how…”_

 “I love you, John.” Roger murmured to him softly. John turned his head and kissed him on the cheek. “Love you too, Rog,” John said back.

They danced until the reached the middle of the room when Roger spun him out and laughed softly while John blushed and giggled. He pulled him back and twirled him, then dipping him and kissing him on the lips.

John was losing his footing because he didn’t know how to dance, and couldn’t keep up with Roger.

“Roger-Roger, hold on, WAIT!” _Thud._

John landed on his back, pulling Roger down with him, to which Roger ended up between John’s legs.

“Oh my god, Roger. I’m so sorry- you were going to fast and I don’t know how to dance that well and- “Roger shut him up by kissing him hard, moving himself up onto John, taking his hands slowly and putting them above his head.

One of his hands came down to hold his face softly, and then move down to his waist, and he pulled away, leaving John panting a little. “Is this some kink of yours?” He panted, trying to free his hands.

“Kind of. I just took the chance.” He said back. Letting go of John’s hands and moving back a little.

John hummed and pulled himself up and wrapped his arms around Roger’s neck and put his head on his shoulder.

“Thank you for helping me the past year. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

Roger held John and nodded.

“I’m happier now. But I’ll always be happy with you, no matter what.”

_The end._

_(for now?)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, you guys have no idea how happy i am to have finished this. i started it the day before my birthday and then it took almost 2 months to finish because at points i was lazy and didn't want to do it, but here we are with the last chapter! i am so grateful to have gotten over 1000 hits and to have shared my crazy au with you guys who are all still reading and who will read after the is complete.
> 
> next story i'm going to be writing is based on SMG4's anime arc on youtube. give me a day or two and that will start. when he uploads new videos for the anime arc, i'll write two chapters for the one video. i'm still sorting out all the people who will play SMG4's characters and it will be a Queen/Beatles crossover! it'll probably be helpful to watch the videos to get what's happening and who the characters are and blah blah.
> 
> but i'm so happy to have finished this and to start a whole new story!

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on instagram @_starman_deaky_


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